My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
