my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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