Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
