I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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