My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
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