So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
