I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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