I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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