ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
