my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I currently don't understand fingers.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
