Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
