I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
