Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Randomize
