Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I touched a dick in church today
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It all started with a game of naked twister.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
