Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
