How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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