So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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