My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
