i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
