I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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