Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
