Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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