theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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