Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
