I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
