i just sent this text using only my big toe
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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