the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
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Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
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It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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