I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
