Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
