I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
