so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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