i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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