I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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