I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
