when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
