Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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