Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
