I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I died a long time ago.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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