My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
