Tell her she can't have a vagina
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
