i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
