i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
