Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The power of my boobs compel you
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
