I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
