I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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