I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
