awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
