god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
