when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
