That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I need water and some morals
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
