At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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