we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
