woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
