just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
