You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
