one two three fourrrrnication!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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