I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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