i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
