I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
