Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
