Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
