I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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