im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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