That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
