Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
