My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
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The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
being pregnant is like rehab
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
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I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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