i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
