I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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